Slow Progress: Better than No Progress

Yesterday I felt like I made some headway.  The Cavalry is home, if squeaky when cold, and runs very reliably.  Starts right up, and does not protest its work.  They let us off more cheaply than they estimated, so that was a welcome relief.  It got through its emissions test with flying colors.  Now I have to get it re-registered.  Its registration expired a long time ago (didn't make sense to renew its registration when it wasn't running--but it's still insured.)

I still don't feel right, but it's only been a short time.  Just under a week.  I've got the hyper-vigilance thing going on the road.  Probably not a bad thing.  

I have to get some writing done today.  Have to.  I've been writing every day (well, more like editing every day) but it feels picky instead of, I dunno, flowy.  It's not even a zone thing.  I can get into my writing zone pretty easily.  I think I'm just impatient with my progress.  If I had several good hours in a row to devote to it ... but that's not quite it either.  I worked on one of my novels during O&A's fencing practice, and the hour flew by.  I thought it was weird that the class ended that soon, until I stood up and realized my butt was numb.  I think I'm putting in more writing time than I realize.  It's just slow going right now.  I suspect that when I'm concentrating my thinking is slower than usual.  It's not some sort of faulty perception.  It probably has everything to do with my persistent low blood pressure.  I'm sure I edit fewer pages per hour than I normally do.  This too will get better.  I just hate for so many aspects of my life to be affected by the accident.  Yet another exercise in patience, I guess.

Thanks to everyone for your encouraging words and well-wishes.  I really appreciate it.  Thanks to you I don't feel alone and at a loss.  I have all kinds of hope that everything will be all right in the end.  And it's been good for me to look on the brighter side of things.  Yay, I'm alive and relatively unhurt!  Yay, no more car payments!  Yay, I have transportation!  And especially yay for reminding me that these things happen, that I wasn't reckless or unlucky or dumb.  If anything, it sounds like I'm a late-bloomer in the whole totaled car thing.  Live and learn. 

Recovering

Recovering is kind of an odd word if you think about it.  In reference to life and living, it makes it sound as if covering is the normal state--both in the sense that you're doing everything that has to be done (or that you're doing stuff for other people, or maybe covering for yourself, but not actually doing what you want and love,) and a strange metaphorical sense that life is a facade, a cover, for something else that's more real.  Or maybe it's a combative thing--you're defended, your targets covered.  I could look at the etymology but it's more fun to speculate at this point.

Anyway, I am.  Recovering.  Dire car news is less dire than I feared.  The car repair to have a working car is not good--timing chain (it did not break, yay! but it and all its little timing chain accessories had to be replaced.)  Timing chain stuff is expensive.  The labor just to get to them and then get back out is much of the problem.  There's an old water pump along the way.  We're having that replaced too, since the DeathMobile is going to be our primary car.  

The car needs a new name.  It no longer smells like dead mouse.  I'm thinking the Cavalry, since it's coming to our rescue.  And it needs its registration renewed.  It's still insured, so no fuss with that.  Just have to get it home.  They guesstimated that would be sometime today.

My head hurts less, and my appetite has improved.  No neck pain, not much soreness, though I did discover that I hit my shoulder and elbow.  Didn't notice at the time.  Weirdly, I'm still dizzy (probably that low blood pressure) and I'm afraid to exercise.  I know, it's early, but I really do love to run.  It had been so long, and to have the accident so soon after my very first run in years ... there's no correlation in my mind as far as running caused the accident or whatever.  The fear stems from this dizziness.  What is my body telling me?  Is it saying you're getting better, you're fine so it's time to have some fun running by the river and you'll perk right up, or is it saying stuff is still wrong, you need to rest and if you push it you'll pass out?

I don't know.  If I know what's up inside me I can judge what to do.  I don't know what's causing the low blood pressure, and I don't know how far my head injuries go.  They could be just skin and a few blood vessels, or it could be something minor inside that might become a more serious problem if I push it.  I guess I just have to err on the side of caution.

My running shoes and the dog leash are by the door, waiting.  I miss them.

Food for Thought

I don't want to eat.  

I don't want to sound like a whiny baby, but I try to be honest on my blog and this is honest.  I was in a car accident yesterday.  I bumped my head.  I'm fine, and my doc and the EMTs checked me out--my health is okay except a little bruise and low blood pressure that's making me light-headed, medical is all taken care of, insurance guys are on the case with the car.  But the red car is totaled.  And it was a newish car, so we still owe a lot on it and its gone just like that.  

I had my cry.  All done with that.  But now comes the staring part, the unsure what to do part, and nothing in the fridge or freezer looks good.  I feel like I've been on the phone for days.  Weird things make me smile.  The idea of a purple PT Cruiser with paisley decals parked in the driveway and my DH's "you didn't" expression, and then me saying just kidding--waving a wand and it vanishes like smoke.  Walking on the shore of the Columbia River, playing with the dogs, the whole family together, sandy toes, artful smears of river mud on our faces.  Watching swallows from the deck (I actually did that for a while today--there's a couple dozen out there right now.)  Imagining the red car is fine, still in the driveway, and that I can just drive it down into town and pick up a prescription if I want.  A magic cloud with a voice like a violin drifting down and with three words making the repairs on the car of death (called that because a mouse died in the ventilation system and stank there forever) a tenth of the quote I got today.  Thinking about fixing up the No-Go and driving it again.  Starting a new job.  Being at the writer's class on the coast.  Picking up my DH at the airport and everything is done, all good, nothing to see here citizen.

I'm going to make myself eat something.  I don't know what.  Something with protein.  I'm just so tired.  Beaten.  Some things aren't covered by insurance.  We'll be paying for a car that doesn't exist.  I can't fix this.  I just have to do the best I can.  I have all kinds of plans.  Maybe tomorrow I can make some of them into reality, but for now, I think I should have some fish and veggies and drink lots of water and maybe write about someone who has way worse problems than me, and a lot more resilience.